It's been a minute...

SO I have a blog .... but I want another ...

I have a blog that I use pretty much to follow other blogs. I have a blog scroll the size of California!!! I follow everybody! People in Paris, Zambia, online magazine's, random people, family, friends, fashionista superstars, up and coming bipsters and more!

However I have never been public about my blog... mostly because the thoughts I post are pretty deep and personal. Maybe too personal. I am a Christian and am very spiritual and because of that I have been shy about being vulnerable about getting criticized for having a faith based opinion on things.

However, it is also because one day I can be all deep in inspiration and Word and the next day be str8 cussin' at something. In general I don't think I have multiple disorder or bipolar issues but when what seems so normal to you is placed in publicly you then start to question "Whoaw!" ... "Hmmm..."

I am learning about consistency and to be true to myself. When it comes to my blogging world. I will keep this blog "http://blackhandside-jbrandee.blogspot.com" however, I will also start another one soon that is more condusive to my crazy-random lifestyle. It will not be as deeply spiritual. I will leave this one for that (as well as to keep stalking all these wonderful bloggers I love and follow) but so that people who will be quick to judge do not have as much access to the vulnerable spots.

But this is a serious "Thank you" to the people who do follow me ... yes ALL 2 of you ;-) I seriously appreciate the love/curiosity/ mistakes/ ... LOL!!! Either way it lets me know no matter what I can't really hide and that some people don't mind.

Anyway, till the next post. Hopefully it wont be that long and I will definitely let it be known when I start my new blog that will definitely be more flashy - "Lights, Camera, Action" type of blog! :-)

Take care,

-J.

Depression is a Bitch!

To most people I am a very strong woman... and rightfully so! I am a very strong woman. Emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. However, what they do not know is that I am very acquainted with depression and fight her consistently because I do not appreciate or like her presence in my life.

I did not know that she was a common visitor/guest in my life until 2002 when it was very apparent that something was not normal about my sleep, eating and energy cycle. I became very nocturnal and could practically never wake up and get to class. When my symptoms began to scare me when I began to feel enclosed in my own room. I immediately looked into cabin fever because I have always been a person quite content with my surroundings and space.

For Christ sake I am an only child! I am use to being alone in my own space. It has never bothered me out of the ordinary in the 21 years I was living! But this time I literally felt to walls caving in on me... uhhh.... Not cool!! Sheessh!!

So, I immediately called my nurse practitioner and told her what was going on and how I felt. She immediately began to do research and look at my school records. She called in to meet with her in about at weeks time (a week goes by) and on my next meeting I could tell by her expression it wasn't good.

Joelle you have what we think is "Sesonal Affective Disorder" or "S.A.D." words to this day I am thankful for and resent all at the same time!

In my strength and stubbornness I do not want to be a labeled as a person who deals/manages depression as well as possibly suffered from it at one point in time. I know too well how society views depressive people. And to add to it even more people of color look at depression and a 'white persons' sickness... A lie straight from the pit of hell!!! If anything it should be minorities more depressed then white folks with all the bullshit we have had to deal with! Sh*t why the Fu*k are so many white people depressed now that I think about it. You have way more of an advantage then others!!! *sigh*

Anyway, I digress... All this to say my depression is triggered with the decrease of daylight/sunlight .... coming in of the Fall season and better yet Winter ... arrghh. I have learned how to keep myself motivated in the middle of the time. I realize if anything by having this issue does not disable me but if anything it makes me stronger! Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually!

I am currently reading Terrie M. Williams book entitled : "Real Talk for When There's nowhere to go but up Black Pain; It Just Looks like we're not Hurting"

The book is really, really, really good! It is so relieving to read the statistic, medical information and personal stories on depression and it's different faces and how it shows it self daily in your life or the lives of others you know of!

Hmm.... very interesting! But I am very thankful for this book and for Mz. Terrie M. Williams. Thank you!

God Bless,

-J.

The "What if?" Anxiety...

So one of my biggest fears is not the from the "what if I do _xy&z__?" My biggest fear stems from "what if I do not do _xy&z_?" hmm... let me make this clear....

There are a lot of things I am just not interested in doing like for example ... going to the moon! Now however, if someone came up to me and told me that straight up, legit they would love to put me on a shuttle to moon for free!! Then my fear will kick in... not necessarily because it's the moon.. but more so because of the opportunity. I don't care for past opportunities to haunt me.... It's like for real is the moon that serious? I mean but it is a free trip and a once in a life time opportunity? What always seems to be the #1 question that gets a response out of me is...."If passing this up, will I live wondering what would have happened if I ever went to the moon?" As I think of it now... I would probably say yes even with the high rate of death, and health issues that comes from a space trip but there is also a high success rate of people in space and making it back down to earth "What if I could be that person?"

I would rather take my chances and have a story to tell my grandchildren (Lord willing) then to be telling a story of how someone gave me the invitation to go I said 'No' and now I wonder what would have happened of become of me if I said 'Yes'...." Not cool!!!

This week has been filled with these type of questions... They are really rocking my soul! Slightly nerve racking!

I feel like I am standing on the edge of life and having to make a jump... better yet I feel like I am Neo sitting in front of Morpheus being given the decision of taking the red pill or the blue pill.... It is that intense.... We will see how I wake up... I do not want to live with regret and I want the best for myself yet the best may not always be comfortable... you make wake up in a very strange, intense, and raw world ... but the full understanding of life your life is what is beautiful....

I'm Out!
-J.

The power of Struggling....

When you are struggling with being good and being your best.... things can get a real dicy....

God's best is THE BEST for all of us... but how do we identify God's best? What does that mean? Who is God? What or Why is His Best the Best? Why or How is His best the perfect way for you to go? How does God's perfect will compare to the worlds best plan for you?

These are the questions in my mind. These are the questions that as I read the scriptures and try to weigh out my options knowing good and well that I truly want the Lord to be pleased with me and know that deep in my heart His best is THE BEST for me I still have questions, concerns and doubts...

The devil is a liar! However, we are humans and we have to rationalize everything. This whole faith walk thing is not just about what religion you follow and if you believe in Jesus Christ. It is not just about if you believe that Jesus Christ is the Savior or not. It is not just about if you now having received Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior believe you are saved from the demise of the eternal tortures of Hell or not. Part of this faith walk is about do you consistently believe that Jesus Christ can and has delivered you from ALLLL of your sins and iniquities!?! Do you believe just as He has saved you from hell He can save you from your porn addiction? Do you believe that just as He saved another person from a life a prostitution He can save you from a live of promiscuity! Do you believe just as you read about other people having their lives turned around after being raped or molested and living a life of confusion that God brings them to grace and mercy and they get married to a Godly man or woman and are unrecognizable that He can do the same thing for you!!!

This is soooo much apart of the lies of rationalization that Satan deals with us and pursuades us to believe.... How do I know? CAUSE I AM GING THROUGH IT RIGHT NOW!!!!!

Becoming more mature in Christ is a crazy rollercoaster of love, joy, pain, suffering in transformation, emotional, unseemingly not fair, not always fun or easy.... It is real!!!

I am going through this right now! I am at a crossroads trying to do the right thing but it is just not as easy as I would love for it to be. I want recognizable change in my life in order to walk in to the covenant of a God filled and founded marriage with my husband.

The funny thing is marriage has always been something I knew was right and of God but something I was never concerned with... I am still not really concerned with it except for the fact that now I know within my heart that I am someones wife. It is not neccessarily a choice I feel like I made... But a command for me, like as if the Lord is telling me " I created you to be the help mate to one of my chosen and loved sons... and here you are still fooling around not preparing yourself for him .... in the long run this is not helping anyone but hurting him instead!"

WoW!! I just kinda shocked myself with that statement! Is this what we the church are doing to Christ!?! Are too busy lollygagin around not preparing ourselves for our husband Jesus the Christ. In which it is not helping us nor him but just prolonging a God sanctified and ordained uinon!!! JESUS!!!

WHY??? Why are we doing this?

I can only speak from my current situation and say it is because we have been caught up in multiple love affairs... 1.) with the world.... the world tells us we are beautiful (from it's stand point) . The world tells us that we were really created to be like this - "free" and promiscuous, that we were born with sexual urges and desires "surely God understands for He is the one who created you like this... He has to understand that 'people have needs' or better yet that 'this is what is required of me to be in a relationship, to have sex with the person I care about. A relationship will not be real or normal if we wait and work on being holy in marriage"... ALL LIES!!! According to the Bible and the Word of God this is not what sex was intended for at all.... God is clear that yes He created sex to 1.) reprocriate 2.) for husband and wife to celebrate and draw closer to each other through the actions and intimacies that sex brings together and 3.) for you the individual within the marriage to enjoy it!

2.) the other lover we are too busy being involved with is ourselves! Whenever I read the scripture about the Holy Spirit living in me and how I should reverance the body that CHrist paid the ultimate price for on the cross .... unfortunantly it all goes blah, blah blah... I know, right blasphemy!!!! But it does!!! Why!?!

Because I don't know what exactly is bad and evil about my sinful nature because to my flesh and natural self it's not sin. It's just me being me and acting "normal". When I read about Christ paying the ultimate price on Calvary for my sins... why do I not always shut down with reverance and complete humility and obedience? Because I am too small of a man to understand the emencity of God, none the less the danger of Satan, none the less the dangers of sin, none the less Christ's suffering on the cross that technically should have been me but he took my sins upon himself... oh yeah .... mine and every other living human being to ever walk, breathe or blink on this earth.... AMAZING!!! (smh)

Even if this wasn't an amazing truth but an amazing action story turned into and triple film.... why is the posibbilities of a 3 part film more believeable than a the Word of God.

Why can't I stop masturbating just knowing the Amazing story of a Saviour and an Awesomely Wonderful God who gave up the only pure and precious thing that he had - His only begotten son so that He may have a real transparent heart to heart relationship with me! Me and my ole perverted, sinful, lying, confused, self absorbed derriere!!!

It still makes no sense to me and yet this story (if not even a faith) involves ME!! Why is it it so hard for me to let go of this world and let go of myself and embrace God's Perfect ... PERFECT! will for my life? And not just embrace it, to only be saved from myself and but embrace it for myself - to be a pillar, an example, and a standing warrior for others to get out of their dire situations. To also get out from either being in the middle of a war between good and evil or to get from the side of evil and come to the side of good.

For God is good and His Love/Mercy endures forever....

JESUS!! You see this... Help me... Help me to change... help me to understand...

Thank you,
-J.

Big things in Small Places (Why Discipline is SO neccessary....)

So one of the most pressing issues on my heart lately has been the message of big things in small places. Now I have been wrestling with this in my spirit and have found ways of not sharing this with people due to embarrassment to be judged or looked at differently. But when you wrestle with things within it is just best to be obedient and get it out or done in order to receive rest...

So with that said for those of you that know, I am a very spiritual person and for people that do not know, I am a very spiritual person... my faith belief is in Christ and besides that I am just very sensitive to the unseen ... got it? Good! Moving along.

The word(s) of the day: 1.) Small things or life only come out of small places. 2.) Why discipline is key in order to progress.

1.) From where does an apple tree grow? Answer: a seed. How are babies born? Answer: Sperm and an Egg. How big is a seed? How big is an apple tree? How big is a sperm? How big is an egg? How big is a person? How big is a being, animal, etc?

Do you see where I am going with this? I hope so. For the past 3 years I have been living in a small bedroom in my grandparents home in Queens, NY... only a little over a year ago did I make a decision that I would be staying in NY and making NYC my home base. Since then I have been in dire need/want to get the heck out of my grandparents house and get into "my own space". I have attempted to save much money yet the opportunity to move has not opened for me. It was very frustrating until I began to pray and seek God about the hold up. The Answer I received: "You want to spread out, thinking that more space will help you to evolve and get to the next level. Like a baby growing in a mothers stomach you are commissioned to make big dreams and begin to happen, grow and live in small spaces and places..."

... Uh... yeah.... those were not the words I wanted to hear and of course I tried to do my own thing and make things happen. Eventually I began to ware myself out! I eventually had to chill out and stop trying to climb a mountain that I know if I just trust God, He can move the mountain for me! No climbing, whining, nothing! But just when you think you get the lesson another test comes... my job...

So I have been at the same place for the past 9 months (hah!) and I have been wrestling with God to get me OUT! "I want out!, I want to be doing 'normal' film industry projects and living the 'regular' industry life! Project to project, excitement, craziness, etc" (I know my friends in the industry are reading this like 'This chick is crazy, she got a steady job and complaining!" ) Every time I prayed for the Lord to excel me and have His way, to bless me in my career, and get me to where He wants me to be... the same day my boss would call me into her office and just shower me with praise, give me some tips on what to improve and ask me to stay longer... In which financially I am not a point to just pull out and be like "NO!". So I stay. And then again I would hear the still small voice gently tell me "stay put, you want to do big things in your life you have to humble yourself to authority, get disciplined. You need to be refined, so as iron sharpens iron, so does man sharpen, man" Proverbs 27:17...

... Ugh... once again... the real lessons in becoming great. And just when you think I would start getting it NOPE once again God has had to tap tap that stubborn behind of mine and get me right! This time it is with my finances.

So let it be known I am an extremely, ridiculously rich woman trapped in a not so wealthy womans lifestyle. I know this is a temporary suit and situation. But instead of getting disciplined and focused on me getting out of my current situation. I would pray for God to give me more money and get me a raise or a promotion. Not that He can't do this....

[SIDE NOTE: I am a firm believer in the bigger your god the smaller your problem. I am serious! If you believe in Budda how big is Budda to you? Is he meditation, feel better big or save my family from a mortgage crisis big? If you believe in Vishnu (Hindu) how big is Vishnu? Is Vishnu a please heal my headache big or please heal my cancer big? And so forth and so on.... Like I said I believe in Christ and adhere more to being a Judeo-Christian meaning I respect and believe all aspects of Judisim and the Jewish people however I do believe that Jesus being a Jew himself is the Christ and came to free all mankind from evil, upholding the Mosaic law but giving all people authentic access to the Almighty God the Father through beliving in him -Jesus, that his death, sacrifices and ressurection are all real, pure and holy. And with being so he - Christ is teaching us how to live, be and be transformed to be like him (Christ) day by day for he is not dead but alive in us the ones who have accepted him as their Savior. So with that said I believe that God is so BIG that there is nothing too big he cannot do and even more importantly that there is nothing too small He cannot do as well! AMEN!!]

Anyway with that said, I believe He will prosper me in such a profound and mighty way both in seen and unseen wealth, both in this world and in heaven. But in the midst of this knowledge once again I heard the still small voice (the Holy Spirit of God) say to me "How do you want me to expand your wealth when you have not mastered fully and disciplinedly the small wealth you have right now!?!" Oh JESUS!! Conviction! I make less then $2000 an month and if you know anything about NYC that is not a lot of money to do anything with. If you are an adult and went to college and know how much student loans equal out then you know that $2000 is once again, Nothing! If you are anyone with big dreams and aspirations or an entreprenuer trying to "get yours" you know that $2000 a month you can barely get peanuts to move on the grind and try to live at the same time, this is the real deal!! But once again just like my small bedroom in my grandparents home, I have to make big things happen out of little room, and space.... yeah....

In the past year we Americans especially African Americans have had the pleasure of witnessing two black people who have taken the world by storm! Yes, Yes, I am talking about President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama. One thing that I have learned about both of them especially Michelle Obama is that she is a very disciplined person. She has always been. That is what has helped her be so accomplished at the goals she has set. I have seen this about her and President Barack Obama... It does serve as a motivator for me to get my act together. Needless to say aonther lesson is that discipline, living a disciplined life is not easy however it is the way to actually get things done in life, especially with my finances and all other areas in my life. This wonderful opportunity we have been given called LIFE!!!

I want to do a lot and I have to hone down in order to actually get it done.

This is all for today. Big things in small spaces and places. Discipline in order to get and accomplish what you want to do and get.

It's DARE... One step at a time....

Quick thought on taking things in stride...

When you have a lot on your plate and your dreams are so BIG that you can easily get overwhelmed... just breathe, pray and take another step. The key to success, to arriving at your goal is perseverance and all perseverance is - is one step at a time. Taking one step at a time.

As I look back at my life I realize there where times where it was just perseverance alone that got me through. Excuse me, perseverance and the STRENGTH, & GRACE/MERCY OF GOD!!

Some of us are just wired differently. We will not rest until we check out all of our options and try at the dreams and visions we have or are given...

A lot is going on in my life. My brain is constantly working. I sometimes wonder if I am they only one within my inner circle thinking this much. With as much as I am trying to do and think of I realize the importance of discipline, organization, and to just slow down and take things in stride. It is not all about getting to the mark as fast as you can however, it is more crucial to get to the mark, period!!

So many have failed or fallen, or have gotten weary because they were so busy trying to get to the mark by a certain time and in doing so have worn themselves out. And yes others have gotten to their marks/ goals in record time but most are either too burned out to truly enjoy the race they just ran or once they have reached the end do not know what to do with the victory... hmm...

Anyway... Here are my scriptures of motivation and sources of strength...

Isaiah 40:28 "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom."

Isaiah 40:31 "But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."

Hebrews 12:1-4 "... And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. ² We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. ³ Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up. ⁴ After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin."


Onward and upward... Peace.

-J.

My Nerves!!

So not to be disgusting but my nerves are acting up.... I read some where that we hold two nervous systems and two brains so to say.

The one that is in our skull and transmits signals and messages to the rest of our body and the other one that is in our stomach that when it's time we feel butterflies and nervous energies when big things are about to happen.

You know the one I am talking about where we feel to throw up before a performance or speaking engagement or you are "running" to the bathroom cause your up nervous system is signaling to your derrier more... um yeah so that is what is happening to me.

I am filled with good nervous energy and I am only thankful even though it equals a few more extra trips to the ladies room than usual on a Monday morning at work. But I am enjoying this nervous energy because it means to me new life and new things happening.

I am in the middle of a lot go creative motivation and I live to create and utilize my talents and ideas. This is a delicate time, the babies have just been conceived... prayer, good nutrition, discipline and love is the way to help them grow....

Praise Him!!!
J.Elle's

My Life on the web....

So while things are not so glamorous in the Television & Film world right now. My life on the web has taken off...

It is very interesting how within the past month I have become an avid web surfer. I started off slow and surely now I am addicted. The amount of information that I find online by just clicking one like and then the next and reading this and reading that has opened my world - yes even when I am at work! HAHAH!

Although some days I long for the times of hardcore film production I am starting to appreciate having my ass glued to a seat because it does help me with my new found passion and hobby! WEB Browsing!!! It is no coincidence that I am at my job and have this extra time on my hands.

I mean I try to not get so involved that my work slacks off but seriously I do work on my own projects and really do not freak out about it either. Anyway if I had a drink in my hand I would lift it up and make a toast to new projects and taking steps to full fill them!! Here's to hobbies and passions that we stumble on!!! Here! Here!!

-J.

Great Friends...

Picture a blush large, comfortable, Love seat, with your favorite warm blanket. You curl up tuck in the corners of the blanket and reach for your warm mug of your favorite tea take a sip and enjoy the flavor and warm go down.....

That is my description of what a GREAT friend is. Mine is Hideat Tewolde. She is my cup of tea and comfort. I get this girl even when I don't get her! AHAHAHA!! I love that we are not alike and have these amazing contrasting ways of expressing ourselves and experiencing life.

But God is good and He knows how to match em that's for sure because no matter what in mine and Hideat's relational dance we learn so much from each other and deposit so much (goodness) into each other. She is my iron and my sword at times, in the way that the proverb says "So as iron sharpens iron so does man sharpen man..." It is the same in our relationship. 

Blessed is the only word that I know of that describes how I feel about our friendship and how I feel for having her as my friend. She is not a good friend but a GREAT friend. And guess what she has her flaws as well. I know them and have been hurt by some of them but Love is a funny and amazing thing. It (Love) is the power to decide to continue to walk with the person despite the trip up or blow. Love is the answer to when you don't like the person at the moment. It has an easy description when you get along but it is in it's true description when communication is failing in a relationship, or disconnect, hurt feelings, pride, and all other issues. 

God has a sense of humor. He connected me to a girl I didn't even noticed and when I did I wasn't impressed, not knowing she would be a pillar in the midst of my accountability center and my core support group. Outside of my mom she is the second person I pass a lot of things by. She probably knows as much intimate things about me as my mom but not the same type of intimate things and honestly I am truly blessed because visa versa...

Anyway I had to share and I only hope and pray for our relationship to grow stay in tact and develop as we develop and get older....

AMEN!! Goodnight!! 

What makes you happy?

This is a crazy time....

I am having issues figuring out what makes me happy! I am ready to live a different life. But I am trying to live wisely. Can the two be done?

What needs to be done? I want to live successfully, creatively and to travel! I what a partner! To me it seems so simple!

Work, work hard, work on my own schedule, look nice, feel good, live and love someone special who will love me back. Give to others, live and love the forgotten!! Make images move, write, design, sing, perform, dance, be technical!!!

I do not know what this life wants to take from me! Life is moving. It is always progressing why should it hold me back!?! Why should I not be able to progress? Why can't I move forward? 

I want my own space! No more with other people or in a space where I cannot stretch out! I fear that I am jumping the gun but I am tired of this shit! I want to move!!!!! I want to live life the way I see it in my mind! The way it feels natural to me! 

Online typing, researching! Taking Pictures, Writing books, films, sitting in the sun, meeting other people who are trying to move forward... There is a time for reaping and sowing... What period am I in?

I do not want to miss my harvest time due to the fact that I wasn't patient enough at the same time Lord don't provoke me or test my patience. I am only a man!!! I was fearfully and wonderfully made for a reason! 

I have to go......

-J. 

Getting Back up on it.....

These days I am taking everyday as it's self. Everyday will get it's on identity and be given the respect it deserves. Monday March 16th will be Monday March 16th. It will not be Monday March 9th.

There has been sooo many things happening in my life while living in NYC. On one hand it is all a blur and days and weeks collide into each other and then on the other hand I am living a more lively life then ever before, then most of my family and friends who do not get to live in this crazy town.

But what is it about being human that makes us never satisfied enough with what we have. It is an amazing ability to know and feel that there is more satisfaction in living and there is another level of success or achievement to reach. Hence why we are never satisfied. However, what if we actually let go and be content with were we are? What would that equal? Hmmm.....

For me that would equal: being fine with a Mon - Friday 10am - 7pm job. It would equal me being fine with living with my grandparents as a 27 year old adult. It would equal me being content with not making enough money to save a good amount of money and be able to live a more prosperous life. It would equal a grand scheme of things....

So no I am not satisfied. I am reserved and see no need right now to fight back.... I am reserved. I have faith that things will finally come together and that I will be able to make more money, be more fulfilled emotionally, physically, psycologically , mentally, etc. I am trying to do a lot these days.... I need help doing them. I want to do many things and I don't need to do everything all at once but I would like to do more than one thing at a time. And yet when it is time for me to do just one thing and focus on one thing. I pray and believe that I will be fully prepared to do so.

Anyway... It is 12:18pm and I have to figure out how to exercise the next 7 hours to work in my favor and I can get the best out of that time frame... Yippee!! ;-)

Time is of the Essence....

It really is....

We all are given 24 hours in a day. Here is my typical schedule

7:00A.M. Wake up (or try to...)
7:00-7:45ishA.M. Quiet time with myself & God. Reading of the Scriptures, journal, pray, read etc.
7:45ish - 8:00A.M. Stretch, make my bed, gather my thoughts on my outfit & the weather, what day of the week it is etc...
8:00- 8:45A.M. Get ready- wash up, get dressed, comb hair, allocate my things, race out the door!
8:45-8:48A.M. Race to the train station (4 blocks & a long flight of stairs) catch train to Manhattan
8:48 - 9:17A.M. Ride the train, read, gather my thoughts, check my bank account, call people...
9:17 - 9:43ish A.M. Walk from Penn Station (34th & 8th) to work (45th & 9th) pick up breakfast
9:43ish -10:00A.M Get to work, turn on comp, make coffee, empty dishwasher, prep for the day
10:00 - 10:45A.M. Eat breakfast, answer phones, relax, check emails & Facebook etc...
10:45 - 10:48A.M. Review my "Things to Do" list decide not to rush on work and BS on the web some more.
10:50 - 11:30A.M. Blog, start day dreaming, check the time, act like I am working and wait till the big bosses need me to hustle
11:30 - 1:30/2:00P.M.ish REPEAT ABOVE - maybe file, etc... Gear up to get lunch..
2:00 - 2:45P.M. Eat lunch, answer phones, be on call for the big bosses. Check time.
2:45 - 3:30P.M. Chill out act like I am working, review "Things to Do" list.
3:30 - 5:00P.M. Pound out anything that needs to be done. If there really is nothing. Try working on my own personal projects via computer.
5:00 -5:45P.M. Once again review anything that I still need to do. Get it done.
5;45 - 6:10P.M.ish - start closing out, clean the kitchen area, make a "Things to Do" list for tomorrow, Check with Kyle to see if I can leave...
6:10 -6:45P.M. Open for any time to get out...
6:45 - 7:00P.M. Race to make FedEx/UPS/USPS drop off
7:00- 7:30P.M. Walk to Bally's sports club
7:30- 7:45P.M. Put workout clothes on
7:45- 8:00P.M. Stretch, warm up
8:00- 9:30P.M. GO HARD!! Workout!! Jam out to my ipod (which I need to update)
9:30 - 9:50P.M. Stretch, cool off, Get dressed
9:50 - 10:00P.M. Race to catch 10:05P.M. L.I.R.R. train at Penn Station
10:00- 10:05P.M. Make train get a good seat in the front of the train.
10:05 - 10:42P.M. Relax on train, make calls, read, eat, text, whatever....
10:42- 10:45P.M. Walk home. GET HOME!!!
10:45-11:10P.M. Relax, Eat something...
11:10 - 11:30P.M. Take a shower, wind down get ready for bed.
11:30 - 12:00A.M. check email, Facebook, talk on the phone, say hello to family. Go to Bed!
12:00A.M -7:00A.M. Sleep - and prepare to do it all over again, Lord willing...

So yeah where or when do I have time to still write a book, do research, do my breathing exercises, cook or prepare food for work to save on money. Go through my mail, read the tons of magazines I subscribe to, organize myself, finish my taxes and spend "quality time" with family and friends? Yeah there is only 24 hours in a day. And it goes by quicker than quick and especially in New York City - haha!! You gotta love it.

I do what I can and take advantage of every little moment I can....

Have a good day!!!
-J.

Bay, ba, ba, ba, BBAAABBYYY Don't blow me AWWAAYYY....

So for some reason this morning I have Solange Knowles song stuck in my head! I have to admit that I saw a peek of the video for this song cause one of my industry peoples worked on the video and he knows the director so he got a peek and in turn I got a peek.... yada yada yada...

And for one thing I definitely like that Solange sounds grown on this song. She doesn't sound like her big sister Beyonce (which I love). She sounds like herself. I think as an audience we are being able to participate with Solange more now that she is coming out as the grown ass woman she. I mean for Christ sake she is a mama!!

Anyway, another thing that I love about the video is that her weave is on point! The Bomb! I am looking into her style to see if I could get away with it for this summer. SSSHHIIITTT I can get away with it! Big hair and me ain't nothing to be messed with RRRRROCKK! That shit!

Anyway. Let us see what the day unfolds. I am a bit in a vulgar mood, not bad vulgar just kinda raw.... I will have to watch it cause at work these folks don't know what to thing when I get a lil hood, gully, silly.... whatever! But we will see. I have high hopes for the day. That it will be fun! It will be productive and that it will go by SUPER fast!!! Whhooo Hooo!!!

:-) Bay Ba, ba, Ba, BBBAABBBBYYYY Don't blow me AWWWAAAAYYYY!!!

Tender Love & Care

It is soo important to show the people you care about T.L.C.

For some it may be just relaxing with them and listening to them go over their thoughts. For others it maybe sitting to a home cooked meal and enjoying it together. For me, it is a massage...

As I am getting older I am beginning to be more aware of my body and it's needs. I cannot however attend to all of its needs at the same time and consistently. Somethings are left at the way side until the day or finances comes for me to be able to get it done and help my body. 

I need to eat more organic foods. I am working on that. I need to exercise regularly. I am working on that. I need to clean my body by detoxing more regularly and do facials or body cleanse etc... These things are more able to happen if I had the finances. Another thing that I do not have the finances for and I am in need of is a full body massage. 

I got one done about...... 7+ ..... years ago. So sadd, one thing I am noticing is that as I am getting older I cannot just suck it up anymore. I do need to make it to a massage therapist more regularly as well as find a man willing to rub my feet and my back when necessary. These are definitely at the top of my T.L.C. qualifiers. We all have our thing.... That is definitely mine. 

Peace, -J.

Joelleliciousssss!!!!

My body stay vicious! I be up in the gym just working on my fitness! He's my witness. I put dem boyz on Rock! Rock! Az they be linin' down the block just ta watch what I got!

In the wise words of Fergie, this is my motto for me working out right now. I am working out now to enjoy seeing the benefits of my labor in the summer. I am hoping to be nice and fit. Possibly going down a dress size or two by May/June sometime.

I really would like to have a cool, chill, video vixen look for the summer. Yes!! That is what I am going for. I have to stay focused. I cannot do too much craziness until then. I have to save my pennies. You heard!!

Anyway, when I tell people this especially my male friends their response is usually "J, you don't need to do nothting..." But then when you tell them you saw Melissa Ford or Megan Good down the block them fools go crazy and become stalkers.

Now I don't want no stalkers after me.... Well maybe I do..... But I want respect for my looks and one thing I know is that attractiveness opens doors to acceptance. Don't try to deny it. It does!! We are all that shallow to some degree and don't front like you are not!! I am not saying it does all the time but at least dayum near 93% of the time people are open to other people just for the main fact that they are becoming and attractive. And that is pretty dayum high! Or high enough for me. Don't judge me! You know if you got a 93% on a test in grade school you got at least an A- . So don't front you weren't happy as fuck!!!

Anyway yeah. I am not that superficial but I am about playing the game as well as possible and looking and feeling good as well. I am not a millionaire but I feel that I can actually afford a lot once I apply my money the right way and at the right time.... Things can move when you focus get out of debt, get disciplined and tell your money where it is going!! So I am over here trying to get things to move!!!

Anyway that is my lally gaggin for now... We will talk soon. Peace!

-J.

Lord keep providing. You are bigger than this whole universe and You made it! Help me in my little universe of situations..... AMEN!!!

The Wind is picking up but where is it going?

So at my job there is a wind of excitement and development. People are all excited to meet and do all these brainstorm for prospective projects and I am honestly sitting here wondering what all the hustle and bustle is all about...

What is all the fuss about? Anyway I hope it is all for the best and good. You know.

I found out today that one of my coworkers is getting affordable housing and I am so happy that he got that deal but I am wondering where is mine.... Lord please let me get affordable housing. I would like to really not have to pay "normal" New York price for an apartment. I know it is possible. I see that it is possible.

People paying less that $700 dollars for a one bedroom apartment in NYC that are not on welfare, and Section 8. But you know what they say.... You do not know what God is preparing you for or protection you from... So although I am pushing for my own place that is affordable in NYC. I am not in the mood to deal with nonsense. So if it is best that I not have an apartment than I do understand...

-J.

NO BROKE! Not Baroque!!!

You ever been so broke you couldn't afford to be late to work. Cause if you were running late to work that would mean you would have to pay extra money for another mode of transportation to help you get to work quicker. Like even paying an extra $2.00 for the subway is still like $2.00 for the subway.

When you are BROKE you still can't afford to spend those $2.00. It's really real in the field.... HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

God is good....

God is good.

Even when we don't understand what He is doing with us or in us. He is good. I have to keep on standing on that and I have to keep believing that all the life He has given to me to continually produce that they will all live a good healthy life.

I don't want any premature children (this is mostly in the figurative sense about my career and creativity but surely I mean literally as well). I do not want any unhealthy, ugly, foolish children. I want strong, wise, disciplined, healthy, creative, fruitful (successful) children.

I appreciate how out of the belly of sadness the Lord was/is able to open a door of insight and rebuke! You do not have to wallow in the midst of despair of defeat. How do you get up? How do you see opportunity and take advantage of it? This is an interesting time ....

Lord I give you my child each one of them. Bless them and let them be a blessing to others the whole world if You will.

Thank you. -J.

Love & Marriage...

My feelings on Love and Marriage....

The ultimate raw and true form of Love is God. He is Love.

Now how do we as humans produce love? I don't know. I think we know it is vital for our existence so we seek it out by any way, shape and form yet not knowing truly how to love others ourselves.

Now Marriage on the other hand I think is the one act that calls for us as humans to truly lay down ourselves and give fully into a trusting bond. It is truly jumping into the unknown with the person you believe is the one most responsible and caring of you......

Now when you are a single woman, like myself and you are in a huge city filled with other singles like yourself you would think it would not be so bad finding a girlfriend or a boyfriend... right? WRONG!!! This is a very bad city to find your mate.... It's hard to not have high standards as you are trying to strive and become someone yourself and then not to expect the same thing from a prospective mate. It is also a city where since everyone is single others do not feel the need to hurry and get married because no one is really married around you.

It sucks! Love - love is draped with all these undeserving disguises and is masked with confusion. It is all confusing. Something that should be simple becomes complex and then we buy into whatever lie to make it easier and more convenient to be in a relationship with someone who is confused and could love you but won't because there is no rush, no pressure.... It's maddness!!!

And I am tired. I just want to love someone simply because I love them and consistantly choose to love them because it is simple. And I want someone to love me just the same. I want to really dig someone and them to really dig me. What is complexed about that?

It is time. Enough is enough. Bullshit is Bullshit. Waiting is waiting but I am ready Lord. Please send them now.

Thank you,

-J.

Hhhooonnnneeyyyy..... CONTROL!!

It is very interesting how my brain works, I have Erykah Badu's song "Honey" rolling around in my head and also at the same time I have Janet Jackson song "CONTROL" coming out of no where.

Anyway a lot is going on in my life mentally and spiritually...

1.) I am tired of my ob but do not necessarily know what I want to do next...
2.) I am in love with a man who lives an ocean away and has no clue that I love him....
3.) My mom & stepdad are going through marital trials and my mom is confiding in me...
4.) I don't feel like dealing with my grandparents right now, but I live with them...
5.) I want my own apartment but do not have the money...
6.) I feel like I should not be thinking so much of myself yet I don't know how not to...
7.) I am physically tired and want a break....

There are even more but out of these comes the jist of it all...

What to do? I can only pray right now and believe that God is good and He is in control and He will set me up and apart and deliver me from mine enemies and protect me from wrong doing.

I once read or heard that "God's detours are always better. Sometimes they are the shortest way to actually get to where you need to go. Either way they are the best for us..."

Very true statement. And I am praying and believing that - that is my story.

Lord help.

Snowy Day....

It is a bleek snowy/slushy day here in NYC. My eyes are hurting, they are irritated by the lack of sunlight on them and by me looking at a screen!!

I am eating an organic peanut butter and apricot jelly sandwich. I am hungry and have been hungry all morning!!! These days I feel that as I workout more I am more and more hungry....

It totally messes me up. I am wondering how this may affect my children. Like if I also put them on a 5-6 meal eating schedule how it will mess them up when they go to school..... interesting...

Anyway not much to think about today. I need more sleep. Tonight I am going to bed before 12AM.

YEAY!!!

Proverbs 2:7-11

"He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless"

"For he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones"

"Then you will understand what is right and just and fair—every good path."

"For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul."

"Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you."

Being Professional....

How to be professional about your work, your craft, your life's work, You!?!

You have to dive in and not stop. No off days. Just keep working at it and be hard about it. You have to put family and friends in their place. You have to put lovers and admirers in their place. You have to discipline your self.

There is little - no rest for the warrior and there is always strain/pain and little to no relief for the athlete!!

This is the mentality that we have to adapt to. It is not always fun but it always feels good to win and to conquer. There is death of self in order to see some difference, change and transformation.

This is my situation right now. This is my fight.

-J.

When it is just annoying.....

It is just annoying when you have a lot of things you want to do and yet you feel like you are just standing in cement!! This shit is ridiculous!

I want something to move!!!! I want things to start rolling!! I want more money!!! I want to having FUN!!! I want my on apartment!!! I want to live without the responsibility of reporting to people or looking after people!!!

I am tired of the Monday - Friday 9Am- 5Pm. This shit is ANNOYING!!!

I want to actually begin producing!! Learning and acting as a producer!! I want to be free to do whatever I want to do (artistically and career wise)!!!!!!!!!!!

But the Fucked up truth is ....... You have to work...... you have to pay bills....... in order to be rewarded you have to pay your dues as well as receive more responsibilities..........

This shit is real..... This is shit is annoying..... This is the deal....... and I want to live......

So I guess I signed up for it when I decided to become the most successful woman in the world!!!!

Back to work! GGGRRRRR!!!!

The Power of Prayer

It is a very interesting day. I am sitting at home after not setting foot in this place for over 24 hours. It is an interesting akwardness when you walk into your own place and there is no one there that you really want to see or deal with because you are dealing with your own issues and sins. 

But the fact of the matter is that this life is not all about you. It is about You and the people around you. I am in a house with tow old people in which I am not sure how to deal with neccessarily. I am truly seeking my Lord in prayer. 

This is the beauty and power of prayer. We must pray when we have no where to go or do not understand what is going on around us. I do not want to get in the way of anyones purpose even when I do not understand what they are doing. So when I do not understand I pray.

I pray mostly because if I do not pray I just might react unjustly and truly hurt or interrupt a situation that God Himself has ordained.... I think. Needless to say this is a time, today is a day where I do not feel very connected to my family and the people that I love. I do not even feel very connected or in touch with myself. I just want to hide and act like I do not see or know what is going on in my own house. 

I pray that the Lord reconciles these feelings and my actions of running the opposite direction and not helping or getting involved. Sometimes I feel like things are not fair. And the point is it is not fair but that doesn't mean I have the right or option to not engage..... interesting....

My Prayer: that the Lord forgive me of my sins. That He shows me how to overcome my own issues with things and the people that I love around me. That He shows me how to engage correctly and how to stay balanced at the same time. That in order to help I do not have to loose myself in it. That the Holy Spirit shows me how I can help. In the name of Jesus. AMEN!!

Till next time....

Dancing Mmmaaaaccchhhhhhiiiinnnnneeee!!!

So I don't know about you but for me I feel horrible when I have my ipod on and a song comes on that just sends my spirit into a whirlwind of crazy dancing energy.

But what really happens in these moments? You are in the middle of a cross section waiting for the light and people are all around you... this is not the time to get away with a little two step jig.... AAAHHH!! This is pain staking for a dancer! None the less the average Joe or Jane with rhythm!!!

All of a sudden you are at a cross section making torn decisions and having to display a serious sense of self control because the rhythm of the music is compelling your body to just let loose and let go (uh and drop it to tha flo...) Yeah now it's a choice do you look crazy or do you keep yourself together and suppress it all in.

I hate this point because it never fails..... I always..... ALWAYS!!...... keep it together.......

Ooh! But sometimes I just want to break out in song and dance and live out my own musical or better yet my own fly ass music video! Oh God! if my life were just a fly ass music video it would be CRAZY!!! My body would be extra tight I would be the dopest clothes, I could drop it like it's hot and be provocative without many consequences..... aahhh! The good life....

But all at the same time, like this morning for example I was actually jammin' to gospel music on my way into work this morning. I was feeling so blessed and so alive that I wanted to get down and PRAISE HIM!! But non, non, non, I was self composed (okay I definitely tapped my foot and snapped my fingers) got on the elevator and rode up to the 4th floor and did not turn off my ipod until I got to my desk!!!

WHUD UP NOW SUCKAAAAA!!!! I am such the rebel ;-P

until tomorrow playboy's.....

The Bird, Bird, Bird, the Bird is the Word....

Aiight peoples! It is Wednesday!! Officially hump day. And the only solace that I get from today is that 1.) I am alive one more day to see me conquer another battle getting me closer to the amazing woman I am to become. 2.) It assures me that time does fly and the end of the month is almost here. Soon it will be the end of another month and so on and so on.... 3.) It reminds me that Friday is around the corner and that I will have at least 1 day this weekend to just focus on me...

Anyway, there is no amazing news to tell or ponder on. I woke up this morning with a little more pep and fire under my ass to get things going. These days I have dedicated myself to living a much more disciplined life. I am honestly trying to get myself in an affordable apartment within this year. I spoke with my aunt and she said to aim for next year but I know that this is not a good idea. I will aim for this year and if I fall short at least I will be in an apartment by next year.

However, 1 thing my aunt did say that was really good was get yourself out of as much debt as possible now so that if disaster strikes and you have no job your debt does not build it stays low or non existent. Now that I strongly agree with .... I will devote my efforts to that. My money will work towards getting out of debt 1st and for most my credit card debt. I still have to pay over 2K off of my credit card. This is ridiculous!!

Anyway enough of me going into detail on my money plans.... The point is I am dedicating myself to being more disciplined. Like for example I have always wanted a nice looking body so I am fighting myself and the snow and going to the gym despite the fact of the weather and that my body hurts already. I want to work out at least 3 times a week and one of those times in the morning (this maybe the most challenging).

Also I am really in the need of a place to crash for the next few months seeing that my grandmother is bringing the church back into the house/ her house. It is one of those odd situations where I do not want to be in the house because I do not feel comfortable with running into church people when I am just trying to chill and relax at home.... I feel I will retreat more on the weekends because of this. Anyway we will see....

Center arms, wing flaps, back of thighs, love handles, side of boobs, and bottom of the bum all target areas for tonights workout and oh yeah cardio!! Stairs I think..... hmm.....

Godspeed!

Paitience, Stay true to me, being challenged & hair troubles....

Okay so here I am u little irritated that my hair is not looking as hot as I would love it to look. I worked out last night and now today of course it is coarse! Not polished and layered....

I don't want to sound like a typical black woman trying to hide her ethnic identity but I am not sure of what to do with my hair! I want to be able to workout get my body right and for my hair to stay sexy (of course this is my interpretation based off the fact that black beauty is still compared to and in reference to what white beauty is - but anyway). I enjoy having and afro when it is time for an afro buut at the same time if I want to have straight hair flowy etc I want to be able to do that as well. Then comes the pride of not using fake hair or weave, not being "unbeweavable" as I like to peg the term but now I am just not sure.

I am a woman who likes to have my cake and eat it to. Now not the whole cake, just a slice I mean shyt it's my cake how much sense does it make not to eat a piece of your own cake??? HELLO!!! Anyway what I am trying to say is that I enjoy having different options with my hair. I want to be able to do what I want with my hair and be able to workout. I do not what to have to give up a nice body for nice looking hair (my hair) or give up nice looking hair for a nice body. There has to be a way to have both!!

I will be investigating this until I find it. I may have to spend money on weave or eventually go au natural but either way I will find out the best option for me to be able to enjoy having a nice figure and having nice hair and style. This will require patience ... my next topic...

When I typically right on my blog I am conveniently at my desk at work.... What is slightly disturbing is that I have time to write on this blog. Which ultimately means I am not working. But is it that I am not working because my ass is lazy and procrastinating or is it that I am really just sitting here with no work to do. AH HA!! Mon ami! It is the latter! There isn't enough work for me to stay busy. So while at work I do my own work and live a few different lives, I have even sent out resumes to other prospective companies to work for (so sadd I know).

Anyway though in the midst of it all I am trying to be patient. I am trying to figure out what to do with this company. I am not going to stay here for ever, but I also need to be patient for the possible blessing to come to fulfillment here. Sometimes I forget the saints of old had to wait a very long time before they saw the amazing successes that they are associated with now.

I too will have to learn how to wait my turn and exercise this strength not just for my own good but also as a rite of passage.

Anyway the last thing I wanted to talk about was that now that I am blogging I am noticing other peoples blogs. Of course as I am looking at there's I am like "dang, I wouldn't mind having that on my blog" or "Wow! look at their blog, mine is so bland... :-( " but I am encouraging myself that although challenging yourself to stretch and try new things and suck at them possibly is a good thing, because it builds character I am telling myself that ultimately do not compare, learn from others but stay true to you.

Blogging is an outlet for me to express myself, Whatever is in my mind at the time comes out and I get to see the thread of my thought process as well as analyze my writing style. This is more what my blogs essence is about because I want to be a producer and writer so ultimately I have to write. It is actually an asset to me. Not to say I will not push myself to put some tweaks on the blogs page here and there but I will stay true to myself and my style.

I am a writer and producer. Thank you!

Obesity & the Church...

I just saw an album on Facebook with all these amazing young Christians. My heart goes out to them for being sold out for Jesus however, I could not shake my disappointment and honestly disgust at the large amounts of.... well.... large people within the group.

I know the Lord loves all His children this I do not argue with or deny. I may look decent and fit on the outside but what is the most important and crucial for my life after death is the beauty, health and condition of my soul & spirit....

But you cannot tell me that God the Almighty, perfect God is sooo involved with out spiritual health and growth that He doesn't care, disregards or is more lenient on our physical health!?! I just cannot believe that or buy into that. I am not perfect in any means but one thing that I am sure of. One thing that I am positive of, is that our God created us in His image, in His likeness, sickness & death do not come from Him. Nor does obesity, laziness, high blood pressure, stress, diabetes, cancer, HIV/AIDS, acne and more....

How are we treating ourselves? I know that in Galatians it calls us to live a "free" life but a free life consistent with the Spirit of God. He has called us to be healthy beautiful beings in His image and in His likeness. He is Love, He is Beauty, He is balanced and He is pure.

It really hurts my heart to see so many Christians who are obese and not healthy especially at such a young age. You cannot tell me that the world is suppose to have all the "healthy", "good looking", "well built" or "fit" people. Honestly it is slightly depressing and not encouraging at all for young hopeful Christian men and women who want to marry a strong believer but have to do more work to look past the outer image and see the heart of the man or woman. God is able to see our hearts the easiest we on the other hand are still human. We are still drawn in by attraction.

We wonder why the church doesn't have many good looking people attending or such strong believers that's because the world scoops them up quickly because it give them more people to "relate" too and look good with. It is soo so for me to go to church and be soo numb to who's around me. I rarely feel the need to look good and present myself very nice because I do not feel that truly around me.

Yet if you tell me (or any of us for that matter) to get ready for a wedding, the club, a dinner party OH! OH! guess who's trying to drop a few pounds? Guess who is trying to make sure to look extra fine and feel extra good cause 'u just don't know who's watchin...' Now, now do not misunderstand what I am saying. I am not saying be looking all hot and tempting to church to try and hook yourself a spouse... no when we enter the house of the Lord our focus should be on Him. But notice that I am saying it is not a balanced/healthy perspective that we have of church and how we should participate as church goers. If anything we should be attracting the secular world to be more like us. Balanced, loving, strong, repentant, forgiving, progressive, optimistic, good looking, healthy, nicely presentable, successful, victorious, admirable... and the list goes on....

So far I do not know many churches as a whole where this is actually the norm and the world is being attracted to learn more about our faith, our God, His Son, and the Holy Spirit.

I beg and plead with my brothers and sisters in the faith to wake up not just in your spirit but in your body, in your mind, in you finances, in your hopes, and in your dreams!!! Do not be so heaven bound that you are no earthly good! Do not be so consumed with the evils of this world that you miss the blessings from above. Do not envy the world or evil peoples lives. But do not be so lowly and humble that you allow this world to trample over you. Do not be so spiritually involved within your own life that you have disconnected to this world for the children of this world are very keen and ready to climb or surpass us by any means.

We must as the scripture says in Matthew 10:16 "...be as shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves." It is key for us to actually be able to be progressive without being offensive to others and ourselves. All that to say is- be balanced under the grace of God, do not let go of yourself but as Christians even more so get yourselves together. Get healthy not only spiritually but physically, emotionally, goal orientally and financially in order to do the full work the Lord has given for you to do.

Thank you,

-J.

The Muse.... Me

I mentioned in one of my past posts that I am reading "The War of Art" by Steven Pressfield. Well I finished reading the book and hilariously enough I am rereading it again, this time taking my time reading it and highlighting points and phrases that really strike a cord with me. 

One thing I am noticing through this book is my lack of discipline in a lot of things as well as my commitment issues.  Through this book I have been able to identify them all as part of 'Resistance'. It is not easy to be disciplined and not lean toward doing what you would prefer to do over what you need to do in order to get you to your ideals and goals.

It isn't easy for me to workout as much as I need to workout in order for me to have the body that I have always want or dream about having. But I need to do it, despite the hair issues I am concerned about or being tired after work or wanting to sleep more before work... yeah I am not a fan of waking up at ridiculous times in the morning to workout. 

Or for another example, in order for me to get the 1 bedroom apt that I would like to have getting disciplined in saving my money and not spending money on breakfast and lunch (and dinners) 4 or 5 times a week.... Discipline.... ughk!!!

Anyway, my girlfriend Michele is making these fly earrings with peoples pictures on them and I want some so she asked me to send her some pictures that I would want on earrings. And all I keep thinking of are these older pictures of me in Tucson, AZ when I did a mini photo shoot in the desert and took some really good pictures. I just now have to battle laziness and find the disc that has those pictures alter them and send them to her.... 

Why those pictures??? you ask... because cause the pictures catch a part of of me at my most free-est time in life. Those pictures catch my essence, My Muse if you will..... ME......

Let's do this.... 

Love and peace, I can't wait until summer.....

-J.

People Just ain't ready!!

So while sippin' on my morning coffee (I am not an avid coffee drinker just every once in awhile), finishing up my toasted sesame bagel with butter and reviewing my Facebook page. I cannot notice the positive change or positive language people have on their status bars.

"Kimberly Loewen is positive energy", "Travail D wants to leave a LEGACY... ", "Joseph Virga is now 35".... well I am not so sure if he meant that positively, at first I thought so but now I am not so sure.... but whatever. I am happy reflecting with others right now!

And I just can't shake this feeling of goodness in 2009! All I hear in my spirit today is "They not ready! People just ain't ready for the goodness about to happen!!" What goodness? you ask....

I believe the goodness that is in us all. The goodness that we want to truly live out and experience. It has been proven over and over again (for some reason I typed those words out with Beyonce's voice singing Luther Vandross's 'Closer I get to You' -- "over & over again, I tried to tell myself the we..." -- sorry mental note - aaannnyyywwwaaayyyy.....) that it is much easier for humans to think negatively than positively. We frown more and smile less.... Isn't that interesting!?!?!?!

But the time is now for us to truly believe in ourselves. The one thing I really have taken away from this past week witnessing a man of color become the Commander in Chief of one of the most powerful nations in history is that: YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE YOU ARE SOMEBODY TO BE SOMEBODY and even more so TO SEE YOURSELF BECOME THAT SOMEBODY!!!

I do believe (ughk! sorry guyz once again I typed those words and thought of the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz: "I do believe in ghost, I do believe in ghost, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I doo .... but I digress...) that I am SOMEBODY amazing. Sent here to this earth, created to accomplish something no one has truly done before, to break open a barrier that was set before people and to inspire and help others come to their full potential.

I do believe I was sent here to be a creator, an innovator, an artist, a mother to many, a companion, a daughter, a teacher, a preacher, a lover, a singer, a poet, a dancer, a producer of many & much, a counselor, a best friend, a good wife, a leader, a servant, a caretaker, a giver, a bride, a warrior, a merchant of hope, a writer, a fighter, a peace maker, a party goer, a humble & quiet person, a vessel of the Almighty God - here to accomplish what He created me to accomplish way before He created the earth but knew me in spirit as He/She is full, is all Spirit.

This is a mighty time! Do not as the proverbs say "get caught sleeping or become too lazy and wonder why you have no harvest in harvest season...*" we must all work and work hard. We must all come under the grace of God to see the fruits of our labor and to act wisely as we are laboring and pursuing our destiny even while we are not sure or clear what it is yet...

As Dr Martin Luther King Jr said "Do not be concerned with how high the staircase reaches or how many steps you have to climb, but just place one foot in front the other and be concerned with the step in front of you... *"

That's all for today - let me act like I have a job - good day all!

* = paraphrased

44th President Inauguation still in my bones....

So,

I made it. I went to the 44th Inauguration of my U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama!!! I am sooo proud, so happy, and still excited from the Inauguration and for the Obama's as a whole.

We have been through a lot as a country and as people in general but this is an amazing time to be alive and to be inspired. I am holding on to every feeling and ounce of joy/excitement that I have in my heart right now because I really do need it. This year will be a great year!!! This are transforming. Winter is not just winter anymore in the glow of the transition and shift happening in this country. It is a beautiful thing!!

A mighty beautiful thing.

I am seriously and honestly reassessing why I am where I am. And what I must do to keep pushing ahead/further. I am getting tired of second best not even of struggling & striving. I am looking to overcome & conquer. All this things come with a consequence or an effect. You/ we must be ready for that. There is work in planting a field in order to have harvest. That is the truth!!

I just thank God for giving me life, talent, brain/wit, ideas, faith & hope that I can achieve and I will achieve. You really do have to believe that your dreams are not unachievable but fully and ultimately FOR YOU!!! No other options or alternatives.....

That in it self is hard to even fathom for people non the less to continue believing even when many things around you just say to stop, give up, it's not for you, be realistic, common, average, don't be greedy, who do you think you are? and many more things...

Be Good, Live well, Live Godly, Live Magnificently...

And as Rev. Joseph Echols Lowery said AMEN, AMEN, and AMEN....

Excitement!!

So this week coming will be the Inauguration of the 44th President Barack Obama. I am soo excited. I am still trying to get may butt to DC this weekend. I took off both Monday MLK Day as well as Tuesday Inauguration Day!!!

I am just happy, excited and cautious!! I am praying and believing everything will come together and work that I can go and at least be able to get a glimpse of the the family with my own two 20/20 vision eyes, not on the television screen.

This a journey of faith that many are to scared to do. I am taking a stand and stepping towards more and my own freedom/transformation. As our nation and world will be watching.

Bless God!!

The War of Art...

SO, I am reading this book called "The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles" by Steven Pressfield. Amazing!!!. Is all I have to say....

It is definitely a book that when you read it - while you're reading it you are thinking I have to read this book again right after I finish it. Ironically I have the same thoughts when I masturbate or while having sex - but then I get tired or fall asleep and then who knows when the next time is ....... uh ... yeah....but I digress.....

The point of the book is to fight your inner struggles as a person trying to produce life. The life you were made to live. I am not talking about luxury or fantasy- music video -poppin' bottles life (although i don't mind and think I will live that life). But the life made to achieve purpose. Whether it is as great as finding a cure for AIDS or just loving the children of your neighborhood to the utmost. There is reason in our breathe. And because of that reason is why we face opposition at every turn - this opposition is what Pressfield calls 'Resistance'. Now for those of you who know scripture or believe in God we know it is part of the dark force in which Pressfield actually calls this out.

This book is so amazing and so complex that it is way more than a creative inspirational temporary satisfaction or gratificational* book, that you read, get hyped, put it down and forget about it. It is a book that brings on strong conviction for the people who are really ready to Win and up for the fight. Real warriors, who don't mind going through pain and misery to see the possibilities of true freedom from the apathetic life or The Matrix, as I refer to it. Don't get me wrong sometimes I think taking the blue pill ain't so bad - no fighting, being numb, just busy living to die - ahh the good life. But nope, nope some of us take the red pill and are not satisfied with a "good life" we want and seek for more - the best!!! The nerve!! So with that we choose to die trying to live!!! DAMN, DAMN, DDDAAAMMMNNN!!

God wills us breathe today. And each we are given the gift of breathe we sit and choose the red or the blue pill...

Well my friends if you have the time and the courage to push forward I would encourage you to pick up this book at your local bookstore. And I am sure within the 1st few pages it will move you to do something, possibly something great, but definitely something.

It moved me to start a BLOG for goodness sake!! I talk to myself all the time (in my head, not out loud) and think that what I am thinking is half crazy & half brilliant/ prophetic. But this? I stopped thinking and took the time to make it public, not personal. I stopped being scared of the potential judgment of how others would view my thoughts and now have gone public. AHH!!!

It is an odd feeling. I can imagine the closest thing to this type of exposure would be going topless on a Brazilian beach! It's very hot and feels great but the reality is your are partially nude and available for others to see! Yipes!! I hope this is a good "Titalizing" sensation.... (pun intended). I mean I always was a bit perky.... ;-)

* gratificational is not a word (yet) but utilizing true ebonics flare I have made it work within this piece - WHAT!?!

Black Hand Side....

Welcome to Jbrandee's Black Hand Side Blog!!!

In light of the New Year and a New President Elect (Young Jeezy "My President is Black!...") I have decided to push myself as well. I am pushing myself to sit down and write. Write, write, write, not worrying about grammar, not worrying about politics, just getting whatever it is God put in my mind and my heart out!

This is good creative exercise. So feel free to encourage, read, dis, whatever you wanna do. I would encourage you to do the same get out there and fight the resistance that tries to keep you from doing what you were born to do.

Peace,

-J.