Joelleliciousssss!!!!

My body stay vicious! I be up in the gym just working on my fitness! He's my witness. I put dem boyz on Rock! Rock! Az they be linin' down the block just ta watch what I got!

In the wise words of Fergie, this is my motto for me working out right now. I am working out now to enjoy seeing the benefits of my labor in the summer. I am hoping to be nice and fit. Possibly going down a dress size or two by May/June sometime.

I really would like to have a cool, chill, video vixen look for the summer. Yes!! That is what I am going for. I have to stay focused. I cannot do too much craziness until then. I have to save my pennies. You heard!!

Anyway, when I tell people this especially my male friends their response is usually "J, you don't need to do nothting..." But then when you tell them you saw Melissa Ford or Megan Good down the block them fools go crazy and become stalkers.

Now I don't want no stalkers after me.... Well maybe I do..... But I want respect for my looks and one thing I know is that attractiveness opens doors to acceptance. Don't try to deny it. It does!! We are all that shallow to some degree and don't front like you are not!! I am not saying it does all the time but at least dayum near 93% of the time people are open to other people just for the main fact that they are becoming and attractive. And that is pretty dayum high! Or high enough for me. Don't judge me! You know if you got a 93% on a test in grade school you got at least an A- . So don't front you weren't happy as fuck!!!

Anyway yeah. I am not that superficial but I am about playing the game as well as possible and looking and feeling good as well. I am not a millionaire but I feel that I can actually afford a lot once I apply my money the right way and at the right time.... Things can move when you focus get out of debt, get disciplined and tell your money where it is going!! So I am over here trying to get things to move!!!

Anyway that is my lally gaggin for now... We will talk soon. Peace!

-J.

Lord keep providing. You are bigger than this whole universe and You made it! Help me in my little universe of situations..... AMEN!!!

The Wind is picking up but where is it going?

So at my job there is a wind of excitement and development. People are all excited to meet and do all these brainstorm for prospective projects and I am honestly sitting here wondering what all the hustle and bustle is all about...

What is all the fuss about? Anyway I hope it is all for the best and good. You know.

I found out today that one of my coworkers is getting affordable housing and I am so happy that he got that deal but I am wondering where is mine.... Lord please let me get affordable housing. I would like to really not have to pay "normal" New York price for an apartment. I know it is possible. I see that it is possible.

People paying less that $700 dollars for a one bedroom apartment in NYC that are not on welfare, and Section 8. But you know what they say.... You do not know what God is preparing you for or protection you from... So although I am pushing for my own place that is affordable in NYC. I am not in the mood to deal with nonsense. So if it is best that I not have an apartment than I do understand...

-J.

NO BROKE! Not Baroque!!!

You ever been so broke you couldn't afford to be late to work. Cause if you were running late to work that would mean you would have to pay extra money for another mode of transportation to help you get to work quicker. Like even paying an extra $2.00 for the subway is still like $2.00 for the subway.

When you are BROKE you still can't afford to spend those $2.00. It's really real in the field.... HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

God is good....

God is good.

Even when we don't understand what He is doing with us or in us. He is good. I have to keep on standing on that and I have to keep believing that all the life He has given to me to continually produce that they will all live a good healthy life.

I don't want any premature children (this is mostly in the figurative sense about my career and creativity but surely I mean literally as well). I do not want any unhealthy, ugly, foolish children. I want strong, wise, disciplined, healthy, creative, fruitful (successful) children.

I appreciate how out of the belly of sadness the Lord was/is able to open a door of insight and rebuke! You do not have to wallow in the midst of despair of defeat. How do you get up? How do you see opportunity and take advantage of it? This is an interesting time ....

Lord I give you my child each one of them. Bless them and let them be a blessing to others the whole world if You will.

Thank you. -J.

Love & Marriage...

My feelings on Love and Marriage....

The ultimate raw and true form of Love is God. He is Love.

Now how do we as humans produce love? I don't know. I think we know it is vital for our existence so we seek it out by any way, shape and form yet not knowing truly how to love others ourselves.

Now Marriage on the other hand I think is the one act that calls for us as humans to truly lay down ourselves and give fully into a trusting bond. It is truly jumping into the unknown with the person you believe is the one most responsible and caring of you......

Now when you are a single woman, like myself and you are in a huge city filled with other singles like yourself you would think it would not be so bad finding a girlfriend or a boyfriend... right? WRONG!!! This is a very bad city to find your mate.... It's hard to not have high standards as you are trying to strive and become someone yourself and then not to expect the same thing from a prospective mate. It is also a city where since everyone is single others do not feel the need to hurry and get married because no one is really married around you.

It sucks! Love - love is draped with all these undeserving disguises and is masked with confusion. It is all confusing. Something that should be simple becomes complex and then we buy into whatever lie to make it easier and more convenient to be in a relationship with someone who is confused and could love you but won't because there is no rush, no pressure.... It's maddness!!!

And I am tired. I just want to love someone simply because I love them and consistantly choose to love them because it is simple. And I want someone to love me just the same. I want to really dig someone and them to really dig me. What is complexed about that?

It is time. Enough is enough. Bullshit is Bullshit. Waiting is waiting but I am ready Lord. Please send them now.

Thank you,

-J.

Hhhooonnnneeyyyy..... CONTROL!!

It is very interesting how my brain works, I have Erykah Badu's song "Honey" rolling around in my head and also at the same time I have Janet Jackson song "CONTROL" coming out of no where.

Anyway a lot is going on in my life mentally and spiritually...

1.) I am tired of my ob but do not necessarily know what I want to do next...
2.) I am in love with a man who lives an ocean away and has no clue that I love him....
3.) My mom & stepdad are going through marital trials and my mom is confiding in me...
4.) I don't feel like dealing with my grandparents right now, but I live with them...
5.) I want my own apartment but do not have the money...
6.) I feel like I should not be thinking so much of myself yet I don't know how not to...
7.) I am physically tired and want a break....

There are even more but out of these comes the jist of it all...

What to do? I can only pray right now and believe that God is good and He is in control and He will set me up and apart and deliver me from mine enemies and protect me from wrong doing.

I once read or heard that "God's detours are always better. Sometimes they are the shortest way to actually get to where you need to go. Either way they are the best for us..."

Very true statement. And I am praying and believing that - that is my story.

Lord help.

Snowy Day....

It is a bleek snowy/slushy day here in NYC. My eyes are hurting, they are irritated by the lack of sunlight on them and by me looking at a screen!!

I am eating an organic peanut butter and apricot jelly sandwich. I am hungry and have been hungry all morning!!! These days I feel that as I workout more I am more and more hungry....

It totally messes me up. I am wondering how this may affect my children. Like if I also put them on a 5-6 meal eating schedule how it will mess them up when they go to school..... interesting...

Anyway not much to think about today. I need more sleep. Tonight I am going to bed before 12AM.

YEAY!!!

Proverbs 2:7-11

"He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless"

"For he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones"

"Then you will understand what is right and just and fair—every good path."

"For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul."

"Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you."

Being Professional....

How to be professional about your work, your craft, your life's work, You!?!

You have to dive in and not stop. No off days. Just keep working at it and be hard about it. You have to put family and friends in their place. You have to put lovers and admirers in their place. You have to discipline your self.

There is little - no rest for the warrior and there is always strain/pain and little to no relief for the athlete!!

This is the mentality that we have to adapt to. It is not always fun but it always feels good to win and to conquer. There is death of self in order to see some difference, change and transformation.

This is my situation right now. This is my fight.

-J.

When it is just annoying.....

It is just annoying when you have a lot of things you want to do and yet you feel like you are just standing in cement!! This shit is ridiculous!

I want something to move!!!! I want things to start rolling!! I want more money!!! I want to having FUN!!! I want my on apartment!!! I want to live without the responsibility of reporting to people or looking after people!!!

I am tired of the Monday - Friday 9Am- 5Pm. This shit is ANNOYING!!!

I want to actually begin producing!! Learning and acting as a producer!! I want to be free to do whatever I want to do (artistically and career wise)!!!!!!!!!!!

But the Fucked up truth is ....... You have to work...... you have to pay bills....... in order to be rewarded you have to pay your dues as well as receive more responsibilities..........

This shit is real..... This is shit is annoying..... This is the deal....... and I want to live......

So I guess I signed up for it when I decided to become the most successful woman in the world!!!!

Back to work! GGGRRRRR!!!!