It's been a minute...

SO I have a blog .... but I want another ...

I have a blog that I use pretty much to follow other blogs. I have a blog scroll the size of California!!! I follow everybody! People in Paris, Zambia, online magazine's, random people, family, friends, fashionista superstars, up and coming bipsters and more!

However I have never been public about my blog... mostly because the thoughts I post are pretty deep and personal. Maybe too personal. I am a Christian and am very spiritual and because of that I have been shy about being vulnerable about getting criticized for having a faith based opinion on things.

However, it is also because one day I can be all deep in inspiration and Word and the next day be str8 cussin' at something. In general I don't think I have multiple disorder or bipolar issues but when what seems so normal to you is placed in publicly you then start to question "Whoaw!" ... "Hmmm..."

I am learning about consistency and to be true to myself. When it comes to my blogging world. I will keep this blog "http://blackhandside-jbrandee.blogspot.com" however, I will also start another one soon that is more condusive to my crazy-random lifestyle. It will not be as deeply spiritual. I will leave this one for that (as well as to keep stalking all these wonderful bloggers I love and follow) but so that people who will be quick to judge do not have as much access to the vulnerable spots.

But this is a serious "Thank you" to the people who do follow me ... yes ALL 2 of you ;-) I seriously appreciate the love/curiosity/ mistakes/ ... LOL!!! Either way it lets me know no matter what I can't really hide and that some people don't mind.

Anyway, till the next post. Hopefully it wont be that long and I will definitely let it be known when I start my new blog that will definitely be more flashy - "Lights, Camera, Action" type of blog! :-)

Take care,

-J.

Depression is a Bitch!

To most people I am a very strong woman... and rightfully so! I am a very strong woman. Emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. However, what they do not know is that I am very acquainted with depression and fight her consistently because I do not appreciate or like her presence in my life.

I did not know that she was a common visitor/guest in my life until 2002 when it was very apparent that something was not normal about my sleep, eating and energy cycle. I became very nocturnal and could practically never wake up and get to class. When my symptoms began to scare me when I began to feel enclosed in my own room. I immediately looked into cabin fever because I have always been a person quite content with my surroundings and space.

For Christ sake I am an only child! I am use to being alone in my own space. It has never bothered me out of the ordinary in the 21 years I was living! But this time I literally felt to walls caving in on me... uhhh.... Not cool!! Sheessh!!

So, I immediately called my nurse practitioner and told her what was going on and how I felt. She immediately began to do research and look at my school records. She called in to meet with her in about at weeks time (a week goes by) and on my next meeting I could tell by her expression it wasn't good.

Joelle you have what we think is "Sesonal Affective Disorder" or "S.A.D." words to this day I am thankful for and resent all at the same time!

In my strength and stubbornness I do not want to be a labeled as a person who deals/manages depression as well as possibly suffered from it at one point in time. I know too well how society views depressive people. And to add to it even more people of color look at depression and a 'white persons' sickness... A lie straight from the pit of hell!!! If anything it should be minorities more depressed then white folks with all the bullshit we have had to deal with! Sh*t why the Fu*k are so many white people depressed now that I think about it. You have way more of an advantage then others!!! *sigh*

Anyway, I digress... All this to say my depression is triggered with the decrease of daylight/sunlight .... coming in of the Fall season and better yet Winter ... arrghh. I have learned how to keep myself motivated in the middle of the time. I realize if anything by having this issue does not disable me but if anything it makes me stronger! Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually!

I am currently reading Terrie M. Williams book entitled : "Real Talk for When There's nowhere to go but up Black Pain; It Just Looks like we're not Hurting"

The book is really, really, really good! It is so relieving to read the statistic, medical information and personal stories on depression and it's different faces and how it shows it self daily in your life or the lives of others you know of!

Hmm.... very interesting! But I am very thankful for this book and for Mz. Terrie M. Williams. Thank you!

God Bless,

-J.

The "What if?" Anxiety...

So one of my biggest fears is not the from the "what if I do _xy&z__?" My biggest fear stems from "what if I do not do _xy&z_?" hmm... let me make this clear....

There are a lot of things I am just not interested in doing like for example ... going to the moon! Now however, if someone came up to me and told me that straight up, legit they would love to put me on a shuttle to moon for free!! Then my fear will kick in... not necessarily because it's the moon.. but more so because of the opportunity. I don't care for past opportunities to haunt me.... It's like for real is the moon that serious? I mean but it is a free trip and a once in a life time opportunity? What always seems to be the #1 question that gets a response out of me is...."If passing this up, will I live wondering what would have happened if I ever went to the moon?" As I think of it now... I would probably say yes even with the high rate of death, and health issues that comes from a space trip but there is also a high success rate of people in space and making it back down to earth "What if I could be that person?"

I would rather take my chances and have a story to tell my grandchildren (Lord willing) then to be telling a story of how someone gave me the invitation to go I said 'No' and now I wonder what would have happened of become of me if I said 'Yes'...." Not cool!!!

This week has been filled with these type of questions... They are really rocking my soul! Slightly nerve racking!

I feel like I am standing on the edge of life and having to make a jump... better yet I feel like I am Neo sitting in front of Morpheus being given the decision of taking the red pill or the blue pill.... It is that intense.... We will see how I wake up... I do not want to live with regret and I want the best for myself yet the best may not always be comfortable... you make wake up in a very strange, intense, and raw world ... but the full understanding of life your life is what is beautiful....

I'm Out!
-J.

The power of Struggling....

When you are struggling with being good and being your best.... things can get a real dicy....

God's best is THE BEST for all of us... but how do we identify God's best? What does that mean? Who is God? What or Why is His Best the Best? Why or How is His best the perfect way for you to go? How does God's perfect will compare to the worlds best plan for you?

These are the questions in my mind. These are the questions that as I read the scriptures and try to weigh out my options knowing good and well that I truly want the Lord to be pleased with me and know that deep in my heart His best is THE BEST for me I still have questions, concerns and doubts...

The devil is a liar! However, we are humans and we have to rationalize everything. This whole faith walk thing is not just about what religion you follow and if you believe in Jesus Christ. It is not just about if you believe that Jesus Christ is the Savior or not. It is not just about if you now having received Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior believe you are saved from the demise of the eternal tortures of Hell or not. Part of this faith walk is about do you consistently believe that Jesus Christ can and has delivered you from ALLLL of your sins and iniquities!?! Do you believe just as He has saved you from hell He can save you from your porn addiction? Do you believe that just as He saved another person from a life a prostitution He can save you from a live of promiscuity! Do you believe just as you read about other people having their lives turned around after being raped or molested and living a life of confusion that God brings them to grace and mercy and they get married to a Godly man or woman and are unrecognizable that He can do the same thing for you!!!

This is soooo much apart of the lies of rationalization that Satan deals with us and pursuades us to believe.... How do I know? CAUSE I AM GING THROUGH IT RIGHT NOW!!!!!

Becoming more mature in Christ is a crazy rollercoaster of love, joy, pain, suffering in transformation, emotional, unseemingly not fair, not always fun or easy.... It is real!!!

I am going through this right now! I am at a crossroads trying to do the right thing but it is just not as easy as I would love for it to be. I want recognizable change in my life in order to walk in to the covenant of a God filled and founded marriage with my husband.

The funny thing is marriage has always been something I knew was right and of God but something I was never concerned with... I am still not really concerned with it except for the fact that now I know within my heart that I am someones wife. It is not neccessarily a choice I feel like I made... But a command for me, like as if the Lord is telling me " I created you to be the help mate to one of my chosen and loved sons... and here you are still fooling around not preparing yourself for him .... in the long run this is not helping anyone but hurting him instead!"

WoW!! I just kinda shocked myself with that statement! Is this what we the church are doing to Christ!?! Are too busy lollygagin around not preparing ourselves for our husband Jesus the Christ. In which it is not helping us nor him but just prolonging a God sanctified and ordained uinon!!! JESUS!!!

WHY??? Why are we doing this?

I can only speak from my current situation and say it is because we have been caught up in multiple love affairs... 1.) with the world.... the world tells us we are beautiful (from it's stand point) . The world tells us that we were really created to be like this - "free" and promiscuous, that we were born with sexual urges and desires "surely God understands for He is the one who created you like this... He has to understand that 'people have needs' or better yet that 'this is what is required of me to be in a relationship, to have sex with the person I care about. A relationship will not be real or normal if we wait and work on being holy in marriage"... ALL LIES!!! According to the Bible and the Word of God this is not what sex was intended for at all.... God is clear that yes He created sex to 1.) reprocriate 2.) for husband and wife to celebrate and draw closer to each other through the actions and intimacies that sex brings together and 3.) for you the individual within the marriage to enjoy it!

2.) the other lover we are too busy being involved with is ourselves! Whenever I read the scripture about the Holy Spirit living in me and how I should reverance the body that CHrist paid the ultimate price for on the cross .... unfortunantly it all goes blah, blah blah... I know, right blasphemy!!!! But it does!!! Why!?!

Because I don't know what exactly is bad and evil about my sinful nature because to my flesh and natural self it's not sin. It's just me being me and acting "normal". When I read about Christ paying the ultimate price on Calvary for my sins... why do I not always shut down with reverance and complete humility and obedience? Because I am too small of a man to understand the emencity of God, none the less the danger of Satan, none the less the dangers of sin, none the less Christ's suffering on the cross that technically should have been me but he took my sins upon himself... oh yeah .... mine and every other living human being to ever walk, breathe or blink on this earth.... AMAZING!!! (smh)

Even if this wasn't an amazing truth but an amazing action story turned into and triple film.... why is the posibbilities of a 3 part film more believeable than a the Word of God.

Why can't I stop masturbating just knowing the Amazing story of a Saviour and an Awesomely Wonderful God who gave up the only pure and precious thing that he had - His only begotten son so that He may have a real transparent heart to heart relationship with me! Me and my ole perverted, sinful, lying, confused, self absorbed derriere!!!

It still makes no sense to me and yet this story (if not even a faith) involves ME!! Why is it it so hard for me to let go of this world and let go of myself and embrace God's Perfect ... PERFECT! will for my life? And not just embrace it, to only be saved from myself and but embrace it for myself - to be a pillar, an example, and a standing warrior for others to get out of their dire situations. To also get out from either being in the middle of a war between good and evil or to get from the side of evil and come to the side of good.

For God is good and His Love/Mercy endures forever....

JESUS!! You see this... Help me... Help me to change... help me to understand...

Thank you,
-J.

Big things in Small Places (Why Discipline is SO neccessary....)

So one of the most pressing issues on my heart lately has been the message of big things in small places. Now I have been wrestling with this in my spirit and have found ways of not sharing this with people due to embarrassment to be judged or looked at differently. But when you wrestle with things within it is just best to be obedient and get it out or done in order to receive rest...

So with that said for those of you that know, I am a very spiritual person and for people that do not know, I am a very spiritual person... my faith belief is in Christ and besides that I am just very sensitive to the unseen ... got it? Good! Moving along.

The word(s) of the day: 1.) Small things or life only come out of small places. 2.) Why discipline is key in order to progress.

1.) From where does an apple tree grow? Answer: a seed. How are babies born? Answer: Sperm and an Egg. How big is a seed? How big is an apple tree? How big is a sperm? How big is an egg? How big is a person? How big is a being, animal, etc?

Do you see where I am going with this? I hope so. For the past 3 years I have been living in a small bedroom in my grandparents home in Queens, NY... only a little over a year ago did I make a decision that I would be staying in NY and making NYC my home base. Since then I have been in dire need/want to get the heck out of my grandparents house and get into "my own space". I have attempted to save much money yet the opportunity to move has not opened for me. It was very frustrating until I began to pray and seek God about the hold up. The Answer I received: "You want to spread out, thinking that more space will help you to evolve and get to the next level. Like a baby growing in a mothers stomach you are commissioned to make big dreams and begin to happen, grow and live in small spaces and places..."

... Uh... yeah.... those were not the words I wanted to hear and of course I tried to do my own thing and make things happen. Eventually I began to ware myself out! I eventually had to chill out and stop trying to climb a mountain that I know if I just trust God, He can move the mountain for me! No climbing, whining, nothing! But just when you think you get the lesson another test comes... my job...

So I have been at the same place for the past 9 months (hah!) and I have been wrestling with God to get me OUT! "I want out!, I want to be doing 'normal' film industry projects and living the 'regular' industry life! Project to project, excitement, craziness, etc" (I know my friends in the industry are reading this like 'This chick is crazy, she got a steady job and complaining!" ) Every time I prayed for the Lord to excel me and have His way, to bless me in my career, and get me to where He wants me to be... the same day my boss would call me into her office and just shower me with praise, give me some tips on what to improve and ask me to stay longer... In which financially I am not a point to just pull out and be like "NO!". So I stay. And then again I would hear the still small voice gently tell me "stay put, you want to do big things in your life you have to humble yourself to authority, get disciplined. You need to be refined, so as iron sharpens iron, so does man sharpen, man" Proverbs 27:17...

... Ugh... once again... the real lessons in becoming great. And just when you think I would start getting it NOPE once again God has had to tap tap that stubborn behind of mine and get me right! This time it is with my finances.

So let it be known I am an extremely, ridiculously rich woman trapped in a not so wealthy womans lifestyle. I know this is a temporary suit and situation. But instead of getting disciplined and focused on me getting out of my current situation. I would pray for God to give me more money and get me a raise or a promotion. Not that He can't do this....

[SIDE NOTE: I am a firm believer in the bigger your god the smaller your problem. I am serious! If you believe in Budda how big is Budda to you? Is he meditation, feel better big or save my family from a mortgage crisis big? If you believe in Vishnu (Hindu) how big is Vishnu? Is Vishnu a please heal my headache big or please heal my cancer big? And so forth and so on.... Like I said I believe in Christ and adhere more to being a Judeo-Christian meaning I respect and believe all aspects of Judisim and the Jewish people however I do believe that Jesus being a Jew himself is the Christ and came to free all mankind from evil, upholding the Mosaic law but giving all people authentic access to the Almighty God the Father through beliving in him -Jesus, that his death, sacrifices and ressurection are all real, pure and holy. And with being so he - Christ is teaching us how to live, be and be transformed to be like him (Christ) day by day for he is not dead but alive in us the ones who have accepted him as their Savior. So with that said I believe that God is so BIG that there is nothing too big he cannot do and even more importantly that there is nothing too small He cannot do as well! AMEN!!]

Anyway with that said, I believe He will prosper me in such a profound and mighty way both in seen and unseen wealth, both in this world and in heaven. But in the midst of this knowledge once again I heard the still small voice (the Holy Spirit of God) say to me "How do you want me to expand your wealth when you have not mastered fully and disciplinedly the small wealth you have right now!?!" Oh JESUS!! Conviction! I make less then $2000 an month and if you know anything about NYC that is not a lot of money to do anything with. If you are an adult and went to college and know how much student loans equal out then you know that $2000 is once again, Nothing! If you are anyone with big dreams and aspirations or an entreprenuer trying to "get yours" you know that $2000 a month you can barely get peanuts to move on the grind and try to live at the same time, this is the real deal!! But once again just like my small bedroom in my grandparents home, I have to make big things happen out of little room, and space.... yeah....

In the past year we Americans especially African Americans have had the pleasure of witnessing two black people who have taken the world by storm! Yes, Yes, I am talking about President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama. One thing that I have learned about both of them especially Michelle Obama is that she is a very disciplined person. She has always been. That is what has helped her be so accomplished at the goals she has set. I have seen this about her and President Barack Obama... It does serve as a motivator for me to get my act together. Needless to say aonther lesson is that discipline, living a disciplined life is not easy however it is the way to actually get things done in life, especially with my finances and all other areas in my life. This wonderful opportunity we have been given called LIFE!!!

I want to do a lot and I have to hone down in order to actually get it done.

This is all for today. Big things in small spaces and places. Discipline in order to get and accomplish what you want to do and get.

It's DARE... One step at a time....

Quick thought on taking things in stride...

When you have a lot on your plate and your dreams are so BIG that you can easily get overwhelmed... just breathe, pray and take another step. The key to success, to arriving at your goal is perseverance and all perseverance is - is one step at a time. Taking one step at a time.

As I look back at my life I realize there where times where it was just perseverance alone that got me through. Excuse me, perseverance and the STRENGTH, & GRACE/MERCY OF GOD!!

Some of us are just wired differently. We will not rest until we check out all of our options and try at the dreams and visions we have or are given...

A lot is going on in my life. My brain is constantly working. I sometimes wonder if I am they only one within my inner circle thinking this much. With as much as I am trying to do and think of I realize the importance of discipline, organization, and to just slow down and take things in stride. It is not all about getting to the mark as fast as you can however, it is more crucial to get to the mark, period!!

So many have failed or fallen, or have gotten weary because they were so busy trying to get to the mark by a certain time and in doing so have worn themselves out. And yes others have gotten to their marks/ goals in record time but most are either too burned out to truly enjoy the race they just ran or once they have reached the end do not know what to do with the victory... hmm...

Anyway... Here are my scriptures of motivation and sources of strength...

Isaiah 40:28 "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom."

Isaiah 40:31 "But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."

Hebrews 12:1-4 "... And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. ² We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. ³ Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up. ⁴ After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin."


Onward and upward... Peace.

-J.

My Nerves!!

So not to be disgusting but my nerves are acting up.... I read some where that we hold two nervous systems and two brains so to say.

The one that is in our skull and transmits signals and messages to the rest of our body and the other one that is in our stomach that when it's time we feel butterflies and nervous energies when big things are about to happen.

You know the one I am talking about where we feel to throw up before a performance or speaking engagement or you are "running" to the bathroom cause your up nervous system is signaling to your derrier more... um yeah so that is what is happening to me.

I am filled with good nervous energy and I am only thankful even though it equals a few more extra trips to the ladies room than usual on a Monday morning at work. But I am enjoying this nervous energy because it means to me new life and new things happening.

I am in the middle of a lot go creative motivation and I live to create and utilize my talents and ideas. This is a delicate time, the babies have just been conceived... prayer, good nutrition, discipline and love is the way to help them grow....

Praise Him!!!
J.Elle's